All at Sea with Truffles Read online

  Title Page

  ALL AT SEA WITH TRUFFLES

  The Fat Tabby Cat Goes Cruising

  by

  Sheila Collins

  Foreword by Ann Widdecombe

  Publisher Information

  First published in 2011 by

  Apex Publishing Ltd

  PO Box 7086, Clacton on Sea, Essex, CO15 5WN, England

  www.apexpublishing.co.uk

  Digital Edition converted and distributed in 2011 by

  Andrews UK Limited

  www.andrewsuk.com

  Copyright © 2011 by Sheila Collins

  The author has asserted her moral rights

  All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition, that no part of this book is to be reproduced, in any shape or form. Or by way of trade, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, be lent, re- sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser, without prior permission of the copyright holder.

  Cover Design: Siobhan Smith

  Illustrations: Sheila Collins

  Author’s Note

  People seem to have enjoyed Truffles’ catty, and sometimes acerbic, comments published in her ‘diaries’ giving us her take on a cat’s life whilst living in our human world. Cruising being my absolute favourite pastime, I thought I would put her on board a cruise ship to see just what she would make of that particular environment!

  Obviously no modern-day cruise ships would ever allow a cat on board, so I have used a bit of ‘poetic licence’ by allowing Truffles to enter this essentially human domain. Also, the ‘cruise ship’ on which I have chosen to take Truffles is, in fact, a combination of descriptions of my two favourite cruise ships (cruise aficionados will probably recognise both of them!), as between them they have every kind of facility and amenity on board that would interest Truffles.

  Foreword

  Ever since Truffles wandered into my life via an early manuscript I have from time to time thought: “I wonder what that cat is up to? When will we get the next story?” And now here it is and it appears that Truffles and I have been doing much the same thing – enjoying life on the waves. For anybody who loves both the sea and cats this book is a dream.

  As usual the younger reader will learn as Truffles experiences everything from lifeboat drill to distinguishing between the various decks to climbing the mast to the noise of the engine. Grown ups will smile over the burial at sea of a sack of potatoes and everyone will enjoy the port adventures.

  Next time I go on a cruise it will feel as if something is missing – a quiet, observant bundle of fur! – while those who have never cruised may now be inspired to follow in Truffles’ elegant pawsteps.

  So, get out your deck chair, pour a drink and let your imagination take you to sea with Truffles.

  Ann Widdecombe

  Let me introduce myself...

  Hello readers! My name is Truffles - though my human carer, Sheila, often calls me by other names! I can’t imagine why - and such soppy ones as well: poppet, sweetypie, picklepuss (ugh!) and pussypoo (yuk!) and sometimes she even calls me a little monkey! Now, how on earth can she mistake me for a monkey? Beats me! However, in truth I am a tabby cat of some distinction and definitely NOT a monkey. Although admitting to being of advanced years now, nothing passes me by and my senses are just as sharp as when I was a mere spring kitten. During my time living in your human environment I have learned to understand your language purrfectly, though with a feline larynx I am afraid I cannot make conversation except in my own tongue. Therefore, people tend to think I only know a few words, like my name, Truffles, and phrases such as “come in” or “dinner’s ready” or “where are you hiding?” etc. I sometimes think how wonderful it would be if I could speak human - my, oh my, what a lot of cats I could set amongst the pigeons from my eavesdropping over the years!

  Anyway, here I am, ready to tell you all about my experiences on a cruise that I took recently with Sheila. I know that many, many of you humans just love cruising as she does, so I thought I would personally find out what all the fuss is about. Sheila adores her three big C’s - cats, cruising and chocolate! Apart from yours truly, she has been a human carer to several cats over the years, has embarked on 35 cruises and has eaten, no doubt, several tonnes of chocolates. So I thought if I coerced her intotaking me on a cruise with her, plus a box of choccies, she would be a really happy bunny. (There again, another funny name to be called! I wonder why you humans say that - happy bunny? I’ve never seen a happy bunny in my life. The ones I used to see in the fields near where we lived always seemed to be looking anxiously over their shoulders - but that could have been because they had seen me!) Anyway, I digress - which I am very good at doing, as readers of my previous books will know - so let’s get started.

  Firstly, for those of you who have not read Truffles’ Diaries and so are not aware of how famous I am in the feline literary world, well there’s only one thing to do - go out and buy it or download it onto those little electronic machines you humans set such store by nowadays. I don’t know why you all have to have them - we cats have never needed extra equipment, just our sharp brains.

  Secondly, please pay attention because I am going to give you a quick history lesson...

  Going back two or three hundred years, nearly all ships had a cat on board - the ‘Ship’s Cat’ - and sailors, being very superstitious as a whole, felt that its feline presence was a good omen. Not only was a feline crew member considered to be lucky, but also the cat worked very hard to keep rats and other vermin away from both the cargo and the crew. Some sailors/fishermen would not venture aboard their vessel if a cat were not in residence to bring them good fortune. So, the ship’s cat was a revered creature. Its hard work reaped rewards, from feasting on the ‘catch of the day’ (fish for the crew, mice and/or rats for the cat!) to being petted and befriended by those on the ship, who would often feel lonely working away from their homes and families for long periods of time. No wonder the cats of old felt superior - they were essential marine accessories!

  Cats today still feel that they are necessary, supreme beings inthe pet world, and the often seen quotation, “Dogs have masters, cats have servants”, is so very true! I most definitely feel superior and my own carer has been long accustomed to carrying out my instructions to the letter in regard to feeding, grooming and the provision of home comforts. She wouldn’t have it any other way!

  Modern-day cruise ships do not have a lucky cat on board - how times have changed! However, for my forthcoming trip with Sheila on one of the largest cruise liners afloat, they too will be lucky (and honoured) to have me with them for a while.

  Pre-cruise preparations

  As Sheila has already told you, cats are definitely not allowed on cruise ships - due to the ‘Elf and Safety’ regulations so dominant nowadays in all our lives. However, because I am something of a feline celebrity, I had received an invitation and Sheila managed to get special dis… disp… dispens… permission to take me with her on this one trip. How thrilling! She always gets excited before she leaves for a cruise; however, up until now it has been the opposite for me. Usually, while she has been enjoying herself in a life of human luxury, poor Truffles has been incarcerated in the local cats’ concentration camp - albeit, I must grudgingly admit - one of the best ones around. Still, it’s not the same as being in your own comfy home!

  I can never understand why you huma
ns wear so many outer coverings and then complain about all the washing and ironing entailed in order to keep them looking nice. We cats wear all-in- one furry cat suits that only need a good lick once or twice a day to keep them looking glossy and smart. Likewise, Sheila has an awful lot of paw covers. I have none and have no difficulty whatsoever walking, running or climbing anywhere. She has all sorts: lots with high heels (how ridiculous), some all strappy, some flat and others that she wears in winter, which reach halfway up her legs - all so strange to a cat. She also carries around with her lots of small containers with handles, many of which match her paw covers. I think these are called handbags. I have always wondered what she puts in these bags. I would certainly never deign to carry things myself (except perhaps small mice, spiders or birds - as she wouldn’t be able to pick up one without screaming). I expect Sheila, in her role of my carer, to perform such tasks.

  Before we could go on our cruise, however, we had to do our packing. Sheila always takes several days to do all hers - and I’m not surprised, as she seems to take half the house with her. One container (I believe travelling containers are called suitcases by you humans) is solely for paw covers and her handbags. While she hummed and hawed as she collected all these objects together, I counted no less than sixteen pairs of paw covers in varying styles, three ‘daytime’ bags and twelve ‘evening’ bags. Ridiculous!

  As for all her outer coverings, her boast is that on a cruise she never wears the same outfit twice. Hence, several days prior to the start of the packing marathon are taken up with her poring over lists of what she has decided to take and what accs… access… accesso… matching things to wear with them. At home she never seems to want to dress up for me, so why is she so keen to dress up on a ship? Perhaps she is hoping that her ‘Mr Right’ might be on it somewhere? Bearing in mind the size of cruise ships, no doubt if he WAS on board he’d be at one end and she’d be at the other and never the twain would meet, as one of your quaint human sayings goes! Still, I wish her luck in her quest.

  Eventually, after hours and hours of selecting her outfits, carefully folding them and inserting them into her suitcases, then adding another load of all those sparkly things she likes wearing around her neck, wrists and on her fingers plus most of the contents of her dressing table and bathroom cabinet, she breathed a sigh of relief and snapped all the cases shut: three big cases plus one smaller one on wheels that she intended to pull along herself, also carrying the biggest of her handbags. What a performance! At least she won’t have to carry yours truly - usually if I travel to the cat camp or to the vet I go in my luxury travelling basket, but on this special trip I have succumbed to being held on a collar and lead, as I want to be able to observe all that’s going on rather than being stuck in a basket where I can’t see anything. I always wear a collar but have never been secured by a lead before, so I am not particularly keen on the idea, but I was told that I couldn’t go on the ship unless I was on the wretched thing. Oh well, can’t be helped - I will have to give a big Cheshire Cat grin and bear it!

  Now it was time for my own packing to be carried out! Unlike Sheila, there were no bags or paw covers to take, but I do have several collars - some for day and some for evening, my brushes and comb, and also my travelling litter tray and sack of cat litter, disposal bags, fluffy bed - plus dinner and water bowls and fourteen days’ supply of my favourite meaty food and crunchies …so I must admit I don’t travel light either! It may be, however, that I won’t have to eat my own food, as Sheila told me that you can get 24-hour room service on ships and so, if that extends to cats, I intend to order nothing but the best cuts of salmon, trout, chicken and beef! One of the ship’s conditions was that I could not go into any place where you humans eat - that Elf had been up to his safety business again! Still, looking at the peculiar kinds of stuff that Sheila and her friends have eaten over the years, I wouldn’t fancy it anyway! In my opinion, you simply can’t beat a good plain plate of meat in gravy or fish in sauce with an accompanying bowl of healthy water or milk - no piles of washing-up to do and no indigestion afterwards! And no headaches either the morning after an evening of drinking the weird coloured drinks you humans seem to enjoy, which seem to make some of you stupid and giggly and others fighting mad!

  Between us, therefore, in total we had all Sheila’s luggage, as described above, plus another large holdall for my own necessities, together with my bed and the sack of cat litter. Luckily, we don’t have to travel on the bus, as a very nice man called Tony, who takes people to ports and airports, will be driving us to the port, which is called Southampton. I don’t think that it is anywhere in Cornwall, where we live, but somewhat further afield. I must admit that I am quite excited about this forthcoming journey, because I have never been away from our home except to the vet in the village or the cat camp. I can’t quite imagine - even with my brain - just what this trip will be like, so …bring it on!

  After a sit down and a cup of that hot, frothy brown drink that you humans like, Sheila had one last task to perform before we were ready for our departure the following day - our paperwork! I have my own pet passport and - holy cats’ whiskers - what a performance it was to get it! It took several months and several visits to the vet for several jabs, but in the fullness of time it was decided that I am trustworthy (except in the presence of small rodents). So I am now allowed to leave the country and return to it, as the powers that be have determined that I am not likely to become a cat burglar in foreign climes, nor start a war, a riot or civil commotion! Sheila had to get all her own travel documents and our cruise tickets together and that stuff called money (which cats never need, but humans set such a store by), put labels on all the luggage items, lock them and haul them downstairs. She always regrets taking so much stuff when she has to hump the cases around herself - but she will not do the sensible thing and reduce the weight by leaving something behind! Once she manhandles the stuff into the downstairs hall, though, then Tony takes charge of it, and once at the ship theporters deliver it right to the cabin door. Talk about being waited on hand and foot, eh? She must feel that she’s being treated just like a cat! Still, it will be back to normal for her when we return - this time waiting hand and foot on ME!

  The night before our departure we sat together in the lounge - she was watching that large flat oblong box with moving pictures that she likes to sit in front of in a trance every evening. It seems a totally pointless thing to do to me - you might just as well go to sleep, which is what I generally do, suitably cushioned by her well-upholstered thighs. These thighs are apparently a bone of contention for Sheila - she hates them. I don’t know why, as they are very comfortable to relax on. She moans about them being too fat, but as far as I’m concerned the fatter the better - more squashy and comfy for me! I’m not sure that we cats have thighs ourselves; certainly mine would not prove so nice to sit on! Anyway, I’d better not mention these thighs any more or I’ll be in trouble with Sheila, dear readers!

  In fact, sleep did not come to me that evening, as I was wondering how I would enjoy the trip and what was going to happen. It was all going to be so strange - a completely new experience for me. Sheila, too, did not seem to be putting all her concentration into watching the pictures. Perhaps she, too, was looking forward to the cruise and what might happen over the next two weeks. In the event, we both retired early to bed.

  Getting started

  Well, Sheila woke me up at the unearthly hour of 6.00 a.m. I have not been accustomed to getting up at that godforsaken hour for many a year now and, despite the anticipation of the day, I was not best humoured until she had placed my breakfast of soft roes in a cream shrimp sauce in front of me. That was only a breakfast treat reserved for really special occasions, so my spirits immediately lifted and I hoped that this was the way things would continue for our luxury trip! After I had scoffed this delicious breakfast I felt in a really good mood indeed and popped out into the garden for my morning ablutions. The sun had alread
y risen and it looked as if it was going to be a perfect day - no nasty wet dew on the grass to dampen my fur boots and not a cloud to spoil the brightness of the blue sky. Seeing as we were going to have to look our best, I spent more time than usual licking and preening my fur, which I was pretty pleased with when I had finished. I wear a colour coordinated fur catsuit in golds, fawns and various shades of brown, which you humans have been known to admire, commenting that I look like a tabby cat should look. Well, of course I do - I AM a tabby cat! What funny things you humans do come out with! Whilst I had been attending to my own appearance, Sheila had also been attending to hers, and when she appeared at the back door to summon me in I looked at her in amazement. Never at that time in the day have I seen her looking so well dressed and smart! Well, I thought as I returned into the house, we do look (as they say in Cornwall) an ‘ansome pair! Let’s hope that other people think wedo, too, and we make an impression when we board this big ship. I was beginning to get really quite excited now...

  Whilst I waited impatiently, Sheila fussed around checking the cooker and cold-making cupboard (a freezer, I think you call it), all the rooms and all the electric switches (those mysterious little square things with which she can make rooms light or black - all totally incomprehensible to me) and making sure that all the doors and window were locked - in case we might get our own cat burglars, perhaps? Then she looked at her watch and announced to me that Tony would be here shortly so she would have to put me on my lead. Well, that took a bit of pleasure out of everything, but I held my tongue, knowing that without the wretched thing I would not be allowed to go on our trip. So I gave her my best Cheshire cat grin - through gritted teeth - and let her clip it onto my collar. I was wearing a new collar - pale cream leather with gold studs, and the lead matched it, so I must admit I did look quite trendy and smart. Well, there we were, all ready for the off, dressed to kill - no, well, perhaps that was rather an unfortunate turn of phrase; there would be no killing on my part, as I don’t think I would ever find a mouse on a posh cruise ship, unlike the cats of yore on the old sailing ships.