All at Sea with Truffles Read online

  The doorbell rang. Well, I say ‘bell’, but in our house it sounds more like a strident call to arms! You get used to it after a while, but it has been known to make visitors jump out of their seats with alarm! Anyway, Sheila opened the door and there was Tony, our driver, smiling broadly and then blanching slightly as he spotted the mound of suitcases and bags and, not least, the sack of cat litter! “My goodness,” he said, “lucky I’ve got the 7-seater with me today!” After a few minutes of Tony heaving the stuff outside the front door and then packing it deftly into his motor machine, Sheila brought me out of the house and locked the door behind her. I must say that at this point I felt a little bit of a wimp, because I had never been out of the front of the house before except inside a basket. So it was all a little alarming and, in fact, though I hated to admit it, I felt more safe and secure on my lead with Sheila at the other end of it! I would never let her know that though - Truffles does NOT admit to being scared of anything! Still, I was pleased she was with me...

  We settled ourselves into the motor machine. It was very large, with big, comfy chairs in it that had straps that went over the humans’ shoulders (in case they fell over, I suppose). I sat, held securely, on Sheila’s lap. The infamous thighs now didn’t seem as large as they do in the evenings - I have an idea that I’ve heard her saying that her M & S ‘magic knickers’ help, but I’m not sure exactly just what she means by that as I don’t wear any knickers myself!

  Journey to the port

  So - off we went! I peered out of the side window and felt slightly dizzy for a moment. I am used to being imprisoned in a basket and not being able to see what is going on outside a motor machine when it is moving. It did seem to be going much faster than I realised, but after a few minutes I became accustomed to it and all was fine. I have never spent much time on a motor machine ‘experience’, as the vet is only five minutes away and it takes around twenty minutes to get to the cat camp. I have managed to bear those journeys okay, although I hate being in the basket and howl and yowl continually all the way - not because I am unduly frightened, but as it always seems to lead to an unpalatable destination I make my feelings apparent. An unfortunate side effect is that screeching incessantly for that length of time gives me rather a sore throat! Well, there was no need for yowling today, as I was not in the dreaded basket.

  Sheila and Tony were talking non-stop like a pair of demented budgerigars on speed, catching up with the events of the past six months since she had last been on a cruise. I listened vaguely, not taking much interest. At this rate, their chattering plus the constant flashing of blurred scenery past my window would lull me to sleep for the few minutes (I thought, in my innocence) left of the journey to Southampton, our destination. However, I suddenly jerked awake. I heard Sheila ask Tony how long the journey would take and he replied, “Four hours”. “Four hours??!!” I squeaked. How could I bear to be stuck in the motor machine for FOUR hours?! Oh well, that’s going to start thingsoff well, I thought to myself irritably. Suddenly all the joys of the day had gone. However, there was not much I could do about it, so I curled into a ball and switched my main control to sleep mode. Hopefully, the tedious time would pass by and I would wake up refreshed at the side of the giant ship in a much better mood.

  Suddenly I was awoken by Sheila shaking me and saying, “Wakey wakey, Truffles,” and I realised that the motor machine had stopped. But where was the big ship? I couldn’t see anything outside the window except a building that looked like a big house with a sign outside it showing a picture of a human in a cooking outfit and a tall white hat. Tony got out of the motor machine, came around to Sheila’s door and opened it. She got out somewhat stiffly and put me on the ground, and my legs felt all wobbly for a moment! However, they soon got back to full strength and I enjoyed a nice relaxing stretch that ran all along my backbone. After that I was fit for anything that came my way! But I was still feeling bewildered. Sheila had told me that the cruise ship would be unlike anything I’d ever seen before and absolutely gigantic - but it certainly wasn’t around here anywhere! We walked over to where some tables and chairs were set out in the sunshine. Tony and Sheila were drinking that brown frothy stuff again and had asked for some things called ‘toasted tea cakes’. Now how ridiculous is that? Even I know that humans drink tea and eat cakes and you don’t toast tea! I know, I know, it all sounds absurd, and indeed it IS to we cats, but you humans just do the funniest things.

  While they were eating this strange repast, I lay on the ground and looked at Tony’s motor machine more closely. I must say it was very shiny. It was like gazing into a looking glass – and believe me, dear readers, I often look at and admire myself in alooking glass! Mind you, I had noticed that where we had been sitting inside was also totally immaculate, as was Tony himself. Dressed in a smart navy blay… blaeez… blazz… coat and matching tie with badge, he could have chauffeured royalty about. I felt that Sheila was lapping up being treated with such deference and travelling in such luxury! Everywhere else she goes it’s on a bus! As I said earlier, make the most of it, dear, because when we’re at home it’s me who gets treated like royalty. Mind you, on reflection, she deserves to have little treats from time to time - she does look after me very well indeed and most of the time I have no complaints!

  After the coffee and mysterious ‘tea cakes’ had disappeared, so did Sheila for five minutes, leaving me in the hands of Tony. He strolled around with me and gave me a few nice pats. I activated the engine, which sets my purr running. That seemed to please him and we remained companionably together until Sheila reappeared and we all got back into the motor machine. “Halfway there now,” said Tony, and off we went in the direction of Southampton. I watched out of the window for a short while, but then curled up again on those thighs (sorry!) and dozed...

  Arrival at the port

  I awakened as we came to a stop. I looked out of the front window and saw a large archway in front of us and a very important-looking human - though with a rather fierce expression on his face - standing guard. Tony opened his window and said that we were catching the ship. “Just a minute, sir,” said the fierce personage, “what’s THAT?” He pointed at me. I bristled. What did he mean? What’s THAT?! I’m not a that, I’m a CAT! “It’s a cat,” said Tony, rather unnecessarily I thought. Wasn’t it obvious that I was a cat? Surely Fierceface couldn’t be that stupid?! “Well, you can’t bring it in here,” was the response. I drew myself up like a feline spring and felt Sheila’s hold around me tighten. “It’s quite okay,” she said. “I have a special pass for Truffles here from the cruise company. She is an honoured guest on their ship.” She handed over a document to the man, whose face by now was looking rather puffed up and an unbecoming shade of purple. “Well, I’ve never heard anything like it,” he spluttered. “Nothing like this has ever happened here before!” “Well, it has now,” retorted Tony smartly, “so, IF you wouldn’t mind...,” and he drove on through the archway, leaving the man staring after us in a rather stupefied state! Sheila and Tony burst into that horrible raucous sound you humans call laughter - something that only the hyena members of the worldwide cat family can compete with - and I thought: well, that’s one to us, nil to Fierceface!

  Yes! I AM a cat!

  Still giggling to ourselves, we drove to the dockside and finally arrived next to what I thought was a mountain with windows. THIS was the ship! Well, Sheila had told me, but I just could not believe what was before my eyes. Never in my entire life had I seen anything so BIG! I had heard Sheila telling her non-cruising friends sometimes that they would not believe the size of cruise ships nowadays, so of course to me, being a cat-sized person, it would seem even more enormous. When Tony came around again to open the door for us to get out, I held back a bit - it was really quite intimidating. I felt safer in the motor machine. Sheila, however, realised that it was something of a startling experience for me, so she smoothed me down and whispered to me that everything was fine, she was
here, and I would be okay. Lots of people were looking forward to meeting me and I must show them how confident I am - after all, I am quite a well- known celebrity on the feline literary circuit and I mustn’t let my public down! Of course, she was right - I was just having a nervous blip. I pulled myself together, put on my arrogant look, and together we stepped down onto the kee… quee… qua… bit of ground by the side of the ship.

  Whilst we stood looking at the crowds of other humans that were also milling around, Tony opened up the back of the motor machine and took out our luggage. Seeing him do this, a nice human dressed in smart nautical overalls came up with a big smile and said he would put our cases on board the ship - although when he saw the large amount he paled slightly and said he’d better fetch a larger trolley (yes, I got the word right - trolley, a portable platform on wheels for transporting things!) The nice young man with our luggage then disappeared - never to be seen again, I thought, but Sheila reassured me that it would turn up right outside our cabin, or rather ‘stateroom’, as cabins are called on the ships Sheila travels on. “Well, I’ll be off then,” said Tony. “See you here when you get back.” We waved goodbye and then walked together to the grand entrance of the embarkation (yes, another big word I have learned!) hall, Sheila trailing her case on wheels behind her and holding my lead and her large handbag in her other paw.

  As I was walking I could see that lots of people were just staring and staring at us! Some were smiling, others appeared surprised and a few looked as if they had seen a ghost! Well, I’ve always enjoyed attention, so I began to revel in it. I was definitely going to enjoy this cruise, no doubt about it!

  When we arrived at the entrance there were several very attractive lady humans waiting to receive the oncoming passengers, all dressed in smart nautical apparel (the receptionists, I mean, not the passengers - most of them were dressed quite casually for travelling, although there were also quite a lot of smart ones like Sheila). When they saw me, the lead welcome lady reached down and patted me and said, “So this is Truffles, is it? We were expecting her. We’re so glad to have her on board.” What a nice welcome, I thought. I nuzzled against hernavy skirt – perhaps, on second thoughts, not the best thing to do when my fur is gold and brown! However, I am brushed regularly, so I don’t think I made her look any the less smart. She pointed in the direction of a long line of desks with humans sitting behind them, and told us to go on over there after Sheila had completed a health declaration form - that Elf was still keeping busy! The shipping line was very particular about trying to keep any infectious form of humans’ illnesses from getting on their ships - as indeed they should be! I totally agree and I took on board (excuse the pun!) all their reasons why I should not be allowed in places where human food was served, etc. I, too, am glad that Sheila keeps up with my regular vaccinations, and arranged my additional ones for this cruise, and that I am kept as free from illness as possible. To date I’ve never had any illnesses in my life, so it must work!

  Checking in and getting on board

  We wandered towards the bank of check-in desks and Sheila looked for the one designated for the top tier of past cruisers, as she had travelled many times with this cruise line. There was virtually no queue there, but at the other desks I could see lines and lines of people waiting. I had never seen so many humans in one spot in my entire life - in fact, I had never seen so many humans in my entire life, full stop! I was quite mesmerised by the sight and, judging by the looks I was getting, I was mesmerising some other people as well! I preened myself - my faithful readers know that I always like being the centre of attention!

  Sheila was greeted at the desk by another smartly dressed lady, and she passed over our tickets and passports. The desk was high, so I couldn’t see over it, but the lady stood up, bent over and greeted me too. How nice and polite of her! She told Sheila that they had never had a cat on board and that I had been quite a talking point in the staffroom! “Oh well,” said Sheila, “it’s a one-off really. Truffles is going to give us her observations on cruising in her latest book - she is well known for her feline slant on human life and activities. As I love cruising so much, she knows it’s an activity of many, many of us, so that is her next project!” “Oh dear, then,” was the reply, “we’ll all have to mind our P’s and Q’s, won’t we?” Anyway, documents taken care of, Sheila was handed her boarding pass/stateroom key and, after being wished a very happy trip by the check-in lady, we were on our way to the embarkation stage. It all seemed very complicated to me - after all, I bet the cats in olden days just climbed up the mooring ropes and jumped onto the deck with none of the fuss and palaver we were having today.

  Next stop was taking our place at the end of a queue of people all waiting to go through an archway, where another official- looking human, smiling and jolly (definitely not so fierce-looking as the one we had met earlier, when we first arrived), was awaiting us, holding a gadget in his hand that occasionally gave out bleeps - or squeaks, rather like a mouse just as it’s being grabbed around the neck... aaah, what a pleasant thought! By the side of this person was a raised moving platform going into a tunnel. It all looked very suspicious to me and I shrank back nearer Sheila - I hoped she wasn’t going to put me through the tunnel. In the event, she loaded her case on wheels and her bag onto it, not me as well, and they disappeared from sight into the tunnel.

  It was now our time to approach the archway. The man smiled down at me and gave me a pat. “I’d been told to look out for you,” he said. “We’ve never had a cat here before.” Yes, yes, I thought - get on with it, change the record! He took hold of my lead and encouraged me to step through the arch. I braced myself getting a grip on the floor with my claws. No way was I venturing through - what would happen to me and what would I find on the other side? “Go on, Truffles,” said Sheila, “It’s okay - really.” I gave her a doubtful look over my shoulder. The people standing behind her were laughing. That got me a bit riled, so I leapt forward, nearly knocking the official over as I did so. This brought forth more laughter. My tail was swishing vigorously; all of a sudden things had changed. I don’t like people laughing at me. I tried to pull away from the man, but he hung on to the lead like grim death!

  “Better come on through, madam,” he said to Sheila. “I don’t want to let your cat escape - you might lose it for ever!” Now that riled me even more. I didn’t want to feel that I was a prisoner - which is what you are if you have a need to escape! That’s what we think of doing from the cat camp perhaps, but NOT from a luxury cruise ship. Also, I do not like being referred to as ‘it’. What a cheek! I am Truffles, not ‘it’. If he had referred to me as ‘her’, that would have been marginally better. I scowled at him - he didn’t seem so smiley and jolly now.

  Sheila came through the arch and - blow me - his little gadget started squeaking! It turned out that she was wearing a large time-telling machine on her wrist and that had set the thing off. I don’t know why, but there again I do not in the least understand all the tek… teckn… techno… complicated bits of equipment you all insist on having about your person. I have often wondered why there seem to be so many deaf humans walking about, particularly young ones, with stoppers in their ears connected by wires to small flat boxes. How strange. Perhaps it helps them hear better? Cats, of course, have extremely sharp ears, so we have no need for any hearing aids. Also, talking of small flat boxes, nowadays you also see nearly every human clutching one of these strange objects and sometimes talking at them! I begin to wonder about you all, really I do!

  Anyway, I digress... where was I? Oh yes, we’d just cleared the security archway. On to the next stage... Would we ever actually get on board this ship? I asked myself!

  Sheila retrieved her luggage from the other side of the mysterious tunnel and once more we started walking until we arrived at another set of doors, where there was yet another line of people waiting. What’s happening now? I wondered. This ‘getting on a ship’ business was b
eginning to feel very complicated and I just hoped it would all be worth it when we eventually made it on board. The people shuffled slowly forward, and when we got to the other side of the doors I could see two more smartly dressed people - good-looking young male humans this time. The sight of these two, I noticed, made Sheila stand more upright and draw in her stomach - maybe the M & S magic knickers were in need of some help! As we approached them I could see that they were holding those peculiar gadgets you humans use that somehow make pictures. These objects I do understand, however, as I have faced many of them in recent years following the publication of my diaries. In fact, I like having my picture taken - it makes me feel important! The young men greeted us cheerily. Yes, the same old chestnut - they were expecting me! At least it did show how well organised this cruise line was - they take several thousand humans on board for each trip, but all the staff seemed clued up that I was arriving! Sheila and I posed in front of a large background with an effigy of the ship. She held me in front of her and I painted on my smiley face. She, too, was doing her best to look attractive - I’m not sure if she was winning! I know that, unlike me, she doesn’t like having her picture taken, and since I’ve been doing my writing she has never had so many pictures taken or appeared in so many newspapers and magazines!