All at Sea with Truffles Read online

  We passed a foreign eating and drinking place where Sheila said they sold pizzas (I didn’t have the least idea what a pizza was, but she didn’t explain!) and then we were at the drinking place with the bears in their motor machine parked outside. It also looked foreign, with lots of tall, thin bottles with unpro- nounceable names on them. Next we came to a shop with a horrible, sickly smell coming from it. My whiskers twitched in disgust and I felt like throwing up, but Sheila dragged me in a little way and picked up one or two small containers, spraying some of their sweet-smelling contents on her paw. “Mmmm, I must get some of this tomorrow,” she said. Well don’t put any of it on me, I thought. Once outside I took a deep breath - that was better! I understood now what the shop was selling - the stuff she puts on her neck before she goes out. Well, okay in small quantities, I conceded, but ugh, I don’t want to go in there again sniffing gallons of the stuff! Next we arrived at a shop full of sparkly things and little time-keeping machines. “Better not look in there now,” she said. “It’ll be too tempting.” Oh yes, I’ve heard that before, I thought. Now we arrived at a place that I did think looked good - an ice cream shop. I like ice cream; in fact, I like any kind of cream - single, double, whipped and, most especially, Cornish clotted! No chance for me here, I supposed crossly - with the Elf and Safety rules. As if she read my thoughts, Sheila smiled down at me and said, “When we’re somewhere ashore, Truffles, I’ll buy you an ice cream. Italian ice cream tastes even better than Cornish ice cream!” I couldn’t believe that, but decided to reserve judgement. The ice cream shop I noticed was called Ben and Jerry’s - there again, a better title would have been Tom and Jerry’s, wouldn’t it? Obviously the people who named the shops on this ship were not very cat orientated: Dog and Badger, and Ben is a popular dog’s name!

  Next to the ice cream shop (though Sheila called it a parlour, for some obscure reason!) was a narrow shop where male humans could have fur shaved off their cheeks and the fur on top of their heads cut short. What for? A cat would never, ever have its fur cut off! Our fur is our most prized asset and is what attracts those opposite members of the feline sex as well as our human carers to us. I cannot understand why male humans don’t want to let their fur and whiskers grow normally! Wouldn’t female humans find them more attractive in their natural state? Obviously not, for whatever reason - but I’ll never understand it. But then, no cat will ever understand the human vagaries of life, and certainly no human will ever understand cats!

  Finally we came to the last shop, which contained more outer coverings but of a sporty nature. Sheila wouldn’t be tempted by anything in there - she’s certainly not sporty! She’s always said the only exercise she gets is walking around shops! Then it was back over the rainbow-coloured bridge again, and to the elevator bank. In we got and up we rose, and then it was the long trudge right to the back of the ship and our comfy stateroom. I think perhaps Sheila was regretting choosing a room so far away. But there again, I thought, the long trek back and forth several times a day would be excellent exercise for her, which could only be good for her thighs!

  Once inside the stateroom, she locked the door and slid open the balcony doors for me to perform my night-time ablutions in the litter box whilst she performed her own in the inner ablution room - ‘bathroom’, I think I heard Eduardo call it when they were talking earlier, so I must remember to refer to it as that now, I suppose. Not that I could see a bath in it!

  Whilst I sat and had my last lick-over of the day, she busied herself putting away all her stuff. I noticed her glance again at the incriminating towel lying on the bed. Oh dear, I thought, here it comes! “Now look here, Truffles,” she said, “I know that Eduardo would never have left a scrunched-up towel behind. The service on this ship is far too good for a thing like that to happen. And I bet he had made it into a lovely animal or something for me - that’s what the stewards do at bedtime. It’s a bit of fun for us - and you’ve totally ruined it! Now DON’T do it again or I’ll tell Eduardo and he’ll be very upset with you!” Well, I didn’t want to upset Eduardo, really I didn’t, because I was looking forward to the treats I hoped he’d be bringing me each day! And he was a very pleasant human, as humans go. So I hung my head and rubbed around her ankles, looking up with what I hoped was a sorrowful expression. “Oh, go on with you,” she said, picking me up and stroking me and giving me a kiss. “I’ll forgive you. You didn’t understand.” So amicable relations between us were resumed and I gave up my dream of towel-flexing each day! It wasn’t worth upsetting the apple cart (as you humans say - I would have used the term fish wagon).

  We both got into our respective beds, she turned out the lights and before I fell almost instantly into a deep and dreamless sleepI jusl had lime lo rellecl on the things lhal had stuck mosl in my mind aboullhis wonderful day. I had never seen so many doors, never seen so much glass, and certainly never seen so many humans in one place before! What would tomorrow bring?

  First day at sea

  The sun filtering through a gap in the curtains woke us both up. Sheila glanced at the time-telling machine beside her bed and got up, slipping into a trendy white towelling dressing robe with the ship’s name on its pocket (Yes, even that humble robe had a pocket!) with matching paw covers to complete her early morning ensemble. She opened the balcony doors and blinked in the bright sunlight. Me too! It seemed much more powerful than we get at home - maybe it was reflecting back from the great big silvery blue C that surrounded us. There again, at home the sun usually puts his hat on! I padded out and carried out my early morning business in the litter box and then, growing very daring, eased my way towards the outer edge of the balcony. I peeped out through the glass and this time I didn’t feel nearly so wobbly - perhaps it was not going to be so scary after all, I thought. I had known I would get used to the balcony in time. It was only because this whole ship experience was so very new and alien to a little cat like me, and, in the space of only a few hours, I had seen just so many new things I could never, ever have imagined in a million years! I am not a scaredy-cat as a rule (apart from when I hear those giant birds you ride in going over in the sky and making such a roaring noise), so I resolved that I would not let anything else I came across on the ship frighten me. After all, I reasoned to myself, Sheila would be with me all the time and I knew she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. I felt much more cheerful and positive and went back inside to chivvy up my breakfast.

  Looking at the big blue C!

  After Sheila had been in the bathroom, dressed herself, seen to her head fur and given mine my daily brush, I ate a nice bowl of haddock pâté with crunchies, and settled down in a sunny corner of the balcony to wash my whiskers and rid them of the fishy smell. Sheila carried out her litter box cleaning duties and I gave a nod to tell her I was satisfied with its now pristine appearance. Neither of us wanted Eduardo to see a used litter box!

  “Right,” she said, “I’m off for my own breakfast now, so see you later. Then we’ll go for a walk outside.” Outside? OUTSIDE? How can we go outside? I wondered - we’ll fall off into the C! Oh no, no, no! Come on, Truffles, I chided myself sternly, you said you’d not get frightened anymore, so trust in Sheila - everything will be okay. So I looked up at her and continued with the whisker cleaning. She disappeared out of the stateroom and I returned to the sunny balcony and dozed...

  Some time later, in came Eduardo. “‘Ello, Trufools,” he said, coming outside and patting me. “‘Ow are you today?” I smarmed round his legs purring, hoping that he would give me some tasty titbit - and I wasn’t disappointed! “‘Ere you are, puss,” and he bent down and gave me a little dish of tuna flakes, which were really nice. I’m well in here, I thought! I sat back whilst he cleaned the entire stateroom and bathroom literally from top to bottom, changing all the sheets on Sheila’s bed (I didn’t have any sheets on mine!) and replacing used towels and drinking glasses. Fortunately, he never made any comment when he found the results of my efforts o
n his towelling dog, but I have to admit that a twinge of guilt did run through me. He refilled the fruit bowl and the ice bucket, where Sheila’s unfinished bottle of bubbly still sat, and gave the flowers a drink. Then, job done, he gave me a farewell pat and vanished.

  It must have been about mid-morning when Sheila reappeared. She must have enjoyed a really big breakfast, I thought, after she’d deafened me again with the horrendous flushing system on this ship! She rummaged around in the drawer she’d allocated to the storage of my collars, brushes and bits and pieces and found a rather smart nautical navy and white leather collar decorated with little anchors that she’d bought me specially for the trip. I’d thought it rather naff at the time, but having seen the senior crew members (hossifers - is that what you call them?) looking ‘rather dishy’, as Sheila put it, in the same colour scheme, I changed my mind. It kind of went with the ship. Matching lead attached, off we set.

  After the usual long trek to where the elevators lived, we didn’t have long to wait until one arrived with the mysterious female human’s usual welcome and warning that she was closing the doors. I did wonder exactly where this lady hung out - hopefully I might find out before the end of the cruise. It was niggling me! She must be very busy, I mused - there were so many elevators and I reckoned I’d not seen half of them yet. Perhaps she buzzed about more rapidly than the speed of light from one to another as they each arrived at the different levels - so fast that nobody could see her. But I would never know, so I gave up worrying about it!

  After a few moments we arrived at the top deck of the ship, where there were more glass sliding doors leading out on to what seemed to be a huge kind of walking and sitting area for the passengers. I thought I could see some big water pools in the distance, too. Sheila tugged at my lead. “Come on,” she said, “we’ll walk right around the edge of the deck, all round the ship from end to end.” We strolled along slowly and I was so busy looking all about me that I didn’t really bother that, once more, people were looking at me and some were laughing. There seemed to be hundreds and hundreds of people, of all shapes and sizes, lounging on low chairs nearly all dressed in not altogether flattering outer coverings. In fact, I had never seen so many fat people dressed in such small coverings - hardly decent, I would have said! I know that in public Sheila never likes to show fellow humans her legs with, of course, ‘those’ thighs! I suspected that when she wanted to do a bit of sun worshipping she would do it in the seclusion of our own balcony. Quite right, too, I thought - we don’t want other people’s holidays being spoilt by the sight of her in a partly undressed state! In any case, over the years she has never gone a nice light brown colour (which is what she’s aimed for) when she’s been sitting out in the sun. She always goes a rather nasty shade of red, which is not in the least bit attractive! Of course I, on the other paw (sorry, hand, I think you say) have a coat that is already in a very nice colour combination of light browns and tans, so there’s no need for me to worry about getting a tan in the sun - I already have one!

  After a short walk we arrived at one of the water pools I had spotted. Several people were in the water, floating about or swimming. What were they - masochists? What a horrible experience being dowsed all over in water. I shuddered. Mind you, they seemed to be enjoying it. Nevertheless, I would make sure I kept well away from the edge. I didn’t fancy getting splashed! Sheila noticed my ‘full of trepidation’ look. She laughed. “You ain’t seen nothing yet, Truffles!” We continued on and then she stopped by a couple of people, who were apparently her dining table companions. They greeted me with pats and I gave the obligatory purr. They suggested that we sit with them for a few minutes, so Sheila drew up a chair and I lay underneath it. They were talking about the wonderful food they’d had the night before and also at breakfast. All agreed that they had never seen so much choice of food and of such a high standard. No wonder there were so many fat people about, I thought!

  “I must tell you something funny,” the lady said. Her name was Dianne and her husband was called David. She went on, “You remember the very fat family we noticed yesterday evening? The mother and father were both well over thirty stone and their teenage kids were at least eighteen stone each and I nicknamed them the ‘Golightly’ family.” Sheila nodded. David smiled. “I thought they were probably members of the 18-30 Holiday Club,” he remarked. “Stones, that is, not age groups!” They all giggled. “Well,” continued Dianne, “when we went to get into the elevator before breakfast, Mr and Mrs Golightly were already in it, together with the two children. Although the elevator was supposed to take up to twenty people, there was just no room in it for anyone else at all, so we had to wait for the next one. Anyway, later in the breakfast buffet we were sitting at our table and we saw Mr Golightly lumbering back from the food bar, carrying in one hand an enormous dinner plate heaped up withcrispy bacon rashers - the mound was about the size of a large Christmas pudding that would have fed twelve people! In the other hand he was balancing an equally large plate loaded with so many slices of toast that it probably amounted to an entire loaf of bread! We thought, oh that’s nice, he’s collecting breakfast for the family! But no, waddling behind him came Mrs Golightly, and she was carrying exactly the same!” “No!” gasped Sheila. “Yes,” said Dianne, “So they were obviously just carrying their own breakfasts. And, what’s more, behind them along followed the kids, and each one of them was carrying an equally large plate with no less than three gigantic cheeseburgers on it!” “Well, no wonder they are the size they are,” said Sheila, “I know I eat too much when I’m on a ship, but not to that extreme, thank goodness! If I meet Mrs Golightly anywhere, I’ll have to go and stand beside her, then I’ll feel quite slim!” They all laughed again, but I felt a bit nauseous - we cats never eat too much (dogs tend to do so though!) as we know how to keep ourselves healthy and being overweight is not good, nor is it for humans I would have thought. “Of course, because we tend to eat so much more on holiday, you’ve heard the old saying on board a cruise ship haven’t you?” said Sheila. “You go on board as a passenger and go off as cargo!” They all laughed again. Sheila got up, saying that she would see them in the evening - ‘formal night’ she called it. I got another pat from Dianne and David and we progressed on our ship’s tour.

  On and on we strolled - the deck seemed never-ending. Suddenly we came to a large expanse of real grass, yes readers, REAL grass! I couldn’t believe it, but I walked onto it and, yes, it was definitely real and, what’s more, it was also growing and it felt lovely underneath my paws. I looked up at Sheila. “Yes, Truffles,” she said, “real grass! We’ll come here again tomorrow and you can sit on it for a bit in the sun. You’ll think you’re back in the garden again.” Our garden isn’t as big as this, I thought, more’s the pity. At our previous house we did have a very large garden indeed and I’ve always thought it was a shame to leave it, but apparently it took a lot of work to keep it going. I could see people playing with sets of balls, rolling them along one after another, and there were others holding what looked to me like big wooden hammers and knocking coloured wooden balls through hoops. Come to think of it, people played the ball and hoop game on our grass at our previous home. The wooden hammers (I’ve just remembered that Sheila used to refer to them as mallets) came in a long wooden box that I used to like hiding away in when I was younger! Past memories, eh! Well, it would certainly be far better to spend time here than by that awful water pool, I thought. What a lovely place! I was looking forward to tomorrow already!

  On we walked, past another water pool with lots of coloured water jets spouting over it, and then found ourselves alongside a long room with big glass windows (glass, glass and ever more glass on this ship!) Sheila stopped and peered through the windows. As they reached right down to the ground I was able to peek through them, too. I could see lots of people walking on the spot on some kind of moving roads, but they weren’t getting anywhere. Strange! There were others sitting on two-wheeled contraption
s, with their paws sitting on small blocks that were going round and round, making the big wheels turn very fast but, again, they weren’t moving from the spot. Even stranger! The people seemed to be putting a great deal of effort into it all, as they were sweating buckets (a charming little saying of yours, I believe), but it all appeared to be for nothing as they were going nowhere. What a strange pastime, I thought. We cats climb trees, chase mice and jump up and over fences to get our exercise, so at least we do move about; I would get very frustrated if I was just jumping up and down and not getting anywhere. As I’ve remarked before, cats and humans have such very different priorities! Sheila lingered for a few moments, appreciatively watching some young male humans who were raising and lowering their rather hefty arms and holding things that looked like giant egg timers in their paws, which seemed to be very heavy.

  Then we set off again, and finally, yes finally, we reached the end of the decking road and the front of the ship. Although the sun was still very bright and hot it was very windy here. I felt that if I had not been anchored to the lead I might have flown away! Still, that would have been an uplifting (excuse the pun!) experience for a cat. How wonderful it would be, I thought, to fly like a bird - and how much easier it would be to catch one! One can dream, I suppose...

  Sheila leaned forward into the buffeting wind and, dragging me behind, crossed the width of the ship and turned round the corner, where the walking route continued back in the direction we had come from. We passed the other side of the room where the people were still frantically running and jumping, etc., and then arrived back at the grassy area once more. Two people were playing the ball and hoop game and Sheila stopped to watch them. “Do you play?” the lady asked. Sheila told her that she did but hadn’t done for some time. “Oh well, join us for a game tomorrow,” smiled the lady. “My name’s Connie and this is my husband Ron. And who is this you have with you?” she said, smiling down at me and giving me a pat on the head. She seemed nice, so I smiled back. Sheila told them about me and how I’d come to be on the ship, and they all agreed to have a game the next morning. I would be able to sit and watch them on the lovely grass, too.